An incredible journey
About 4 years ago, when I educated myself on narcissism, control and manipulation, I came across a letter on the internet written by a narcissist to his "prey/victim" or as I prefer calling them "survivor/warrior".
When I read through the letter, I felt shocked and almost speechless. Speechless in a sense that they want you to fail, they want you to lose. It is all a game to them. It was so dark and I could feel the heavy energy attached to each and every word.
For some reason, this letter I had found about 4 years ago, came back to my mind and in many ways, it inspired me to write a letter to a narcissist because I know that a lot of people out there struggle with the same dynamics and wonder "Why can I not please him/her? Why is everything such hard work when everything should be easy?"
Read on to find the power behind gratitude and indeed, I have turned this around to show people to look at the "silver lining" because let's face it, they will play that game with anybody and they are in their dark energy. Not you!
I am writing to you all to Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you that our paths crossed and thank you that it lasted for as long as it did. I am sorry it took me so long to realise my value but what are a few years compared to the rest of my life. It is nothing - really!
The reason why I am writing to you is to let you know that you were an excellent teacher who has been very patient and you always knew that one day I would get it. You knew that one day I would see for myself that I don’t have to put up with any more abuse and lies because I am good enough and worth of so much more. I agree with you. I couldn’t see it at a time. I can see it very clearly now and yes, the jigsaw pieces are all in the right places. I didn’t get the scissors out to cut them to size as I don’t like cheating. (Oops, I touched another sensitive topic by accident!)
In the end, the picture is very clear to me and you might know yourself that patience is required to complete a jigsaw. Times when you have to walk away for a while to get a new perspective of the pieces. And it was frustrating at times when I wanted to find the right pieces, but they were just not visible to me.
Like you, I had a lot of issues to work through and thank you for being there for me when I needed another nudge in the right direction. You were of great value to me and of course, I will always be grateful for that. I made use of the time and worked through my rubbish, own inner "unhappiness" because deep down, I always knew that I had to take responsibility for my own actions and I needed to find out why it was me who attracted those with a broken heart! And no matter how much healing I had to do, I learned to forgive. Forgive in a sense that I could move on from my mistakes in the past. I learned to see the value of my mistakes in my past and I learned to overcome fear! I have lost some things along the way, but I have also gained a lot!
You have shown me who I truly am and you have shown me what I don’t want in my life and you have shown me how to empower myself, you have shown me my own value and worth. You have been the rainbow in my life. You find a rainbow when the storm passes and the sun comes out. The sun is shining inside me and it radiates outwardly. I could keep thanking you because you have been such a blessing in my life that a simple Thank You doesn't seem enough. But a simple Thank You will do.
You have shown me so many different paths and you wanted to lead me down so many different paths and yes, you were someone I couldn’t let go off very easily and I now know why.
The reason? I always wanted to walk away from you easily and effortlessly. I didn’t want to keep struggling and I always knew that the day would come where I could see through you so easily, which makes it so easy to forgive you as well because I understand that we have to be strong to overcome our own inner demons, you never thought I would have the strength. Well, on this occasion, you thought wrongly. I know you don’t like being wrong. You are right, I am not sorry about this! Even you have to learn but it is up to you because if you are not willing to learn, you won’t learn. We make our own choices in life and yes, you have that right, too.
You never believed me when I said that I was going to walk away, you never took me seriously and in many ways - I don’t blame you. You see, when you know yourself and you know it is just a matter of time before one walks but one will have done the talking beforehand, when then the talking becomes silent – that is when one walks. When one keeps quiet, that is the moment to take notice of. Why? Because once there is no talking, the care has gone! Yes, I cared for you! Can you believe that? I learned to care for myself more because I am the most important person in my life and crumbs are not for me.
Once you see through the manipulation and once you see through all the lies that then becomes a beautiful moment because you thought you had me hooked. No one owns me and not even YOU!
Yup, I watched you because of my experiences before and it was fascinating to watch how manipulation happens, and whilst I was watching you, I did my own inner healing. Yes, I needed you.
Some women or men find it very hard to walk away because they have given so much to the manipulator and they believed in a happy outcome and they will have worked so hard to make the other person happy. It is a bonding and pleading: Please don’t hurt me anymore!
I told you, you couldn’t hurt me but you never believed me. You just did not listen! Now you are left behind and now, you have to find some other prey – I am sure they are waiting for you with great excitement. I just hope that they have had some experience with narcissists and are aware of the red flags. I know you can be very charming and you really rely on that skill. You were not that good with words but you are intelligent. But being intelligent doesn’t guarantee happiness. I am sure you admire my strength deep down and yes, you tried to make me believe otherwise. You didn’t succeed though. Never underestimate an empath! We are tough cookies and yet, we appear so weak. Never believe what you see!
Some people even commit suicide and as you know my husband committed suicide and no matter how rubbish I felt at times, my husband was with me. He reminded me of what happens when we don’t talk. I did talk to you and you decided to ignore me. It didn't matter to me because you helped me letting steam off by ignoring me and you thought you hurt me. I could talk and I was able to put order into my chaos! It helped big time!
So, the psychology behind this was simply incredible!
I have got to go now as my beautiful life is waiting for me and thank you for all your games and support throughout. I enjoyed playing chess with you at times. You must have ignored the message where I told you that I used to play chess with my dad when I was younger. So, I knew that the queen protects the king but once the queen's gone – checkmate! And whilst a king can move in any direction, even a pawn... I rest my case!
It was so valuable and I would not have wanted to miss a single minute of it. Thank you for the journey. Thank you for changing me and turning me into this strong woman who can give love to others and most importantly, to herself first. A woman who empowered herself, who is balanced and has found her inner peace, who is confident and who is authentic, a woman who can help others to empower themselves, a woman who has never lost her humour along the way and even when the way seemed like full of treacle but she kept smiling and soldiering on … and if she was to take a tarot card - it would be the Queen of Swords! Phoenix rising from the Ashes is another comparison.
Remember the security announcement before take-off. "Put the oxygen mask on yourself first!" I know you would do it because out of selfishness, I would do it to help others. And this is how different we are.
Once upon a time we were two ships drifting in the ocean...I have found my harbour after facing many of the unpredictable weathers during the crossing and some waves tried to drown me, but I kept steering and believing because I never lost sight of the dry land! Magic happens!
Thank you for your time and may LOVE be with you every single day.